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“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars” Les Brown

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One Fine Weekend at Lovina

I went to Bali this weekend to attend Lili and Michiel’s Wedding Festival in Lovina, Bali. Lili is a good friend who is now currently living in Netherlands. We met at a business trip and we have become friends afterwards. I am very happy that she and Michiel finally tied the knot. They have been together for a few years and they really look happy together. Sometime… I envy her. 

I was hesitant to go at the first time just because I did not have friends to go with. Friends that I expected to go together apparently could not make it. In addition, Lovina is very far… it is 3 hours from Denpasar. But then, I decided to book my ticket, accomodation, and transport just three weeks before the wedding day. I am glad that I did it. Any good friend would do the same.

The holly matrimony was done in Cathedral Church in Jakarta, but the Wedding Party (or they called it Wedding Festival) was taken in Villa Budha, a very nice villa in Seririt Area.

Unlike the other wedding, their wedding was rather unique… quirky, but very fun and intimate. It started with a Thanks Giving Mass and Holly Communion.

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The  it was followed by fun games (yeap… they had “Cracker Eating”, “Put Pencil in Bottle”, “Balloon Dancing”, the kids game which are usually done in Indonesia Independence Day), photo sessions, dinner, speech by maid of honors, and wedding cake cut ceremony.

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We also flew 50 Lampions to the sky as the sign of hope and good wishes for the bride and groom. But Lili made this occasion to wish her good friends a special wish, each one of them. Her hope for me is that I will find “the one”. She gave me her flower bouquet for good luck. You know… the one who got the flower bouquet at the wedding will be the next bride. I was so touched and I just couldn’t hold my tears. Being in the wedding always brings out my sentimental feeling, but this kind of hope bursts the feeling out.

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Anyway… I had a good time in Lili and Michiel’s wedding. I am so happy for both of them and wishing them lots of joy, happiness, blessings in their marriage life. May they always remember that love is kind, love is patient, love is not easily angered, and love does not keep wrong records. May both of them always remember and keep their wedding vow… till death do us part.

Finally, my one fine weekend in Lovina has just ended. My solo trip was not as lonely as I thought. It was just slightly quiet, with lots of “soul searching me time”. I even managed to go Dolphin Watching by myself the day after the wedding and enjoyed a nice stop at Strawberry Stop in Bedugul.

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And… here I am, sitting in Ngurah Rai Airport, waiting for my flight back to Jakarta which is still 3 hours to go.

Bali, Sunday, June 22, 2015.

I Let You Go

We were strangers
until words were typed.
Words to sentences
Sentences to stories.

I shared my highs and lows
Joys and sorrows
in between playful flirts
hugs and kisses
on my tiny little screen.

Oh how a fool I was
to play around with you.
In every lines
My heart was craved
with growing feeling
of fond of talking to you everyday
of missing you when you were not around
of caring for you
which I, myself, could not describe
why or how.
And I know I shouldn’t.

Yet you were a stranger
that I had not even met.
You felt so real.
Maybe it is just me…
I wonder what you think of me?

When my words suddenly
were replied in silence
and empty lines.
I was crushed.
I was like a glass
fell down
and broken on the floor.
My tears were running down
in each and every apology I typed.

Don’t you know I might hurt
As much as you hurt?

I am a human
whom in her hard efforts
to make everything perfect
and be perfect,
made lots of mistakes
failed in many ways
and displeased people.

I might be quick to make judgement.
I think facts and assumptions
were like borderlines.
I might not wise in judging life.

But… please please see deeply
and examine my heart carefully too.

I am now crying my eyes out
in letting you go with regret.
Not for our short encounter
but for the knowing that
in your silence
I have lost you.
I have lost a dear friend.

I am hurt.
I am heartbroken
but I hate you not.
I forgive you.

I silently say my prays
In your each daily prayers
that you will someday
find your light
find your love
find your joy
For life.

I let you go.
I set you free.
to set myself free.

P.S.: and still… I miss you tonight.

Comforting Reading

I find my comforts in reading these passages from Psalm 139 lately.

Sister Gigi read them a couple of weeks ago in Saturday service and I just couldn’t stop my tears. I found it again in my quiet time readings. Just now, I read the whole passages again from “Brave Heart”, a book that I have been reading since last week.

This Psalm reminds me that I have God who cares for me and loves me. He knows and understand what I have been through. And only in Him, I can find my fortress and strengths. As it’s written, God’s thoughts concerning me outnumber the grains of sand!

I hope you will be blessed as you read it, as it has blessed me in the past few weeks.

Psalm 139:1-18 NIV

You have searched me, Lord , and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord , know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.

Lonely? You are not alone.

I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. – Notting Hill movie   

That quote is coming from my fave part of Notting Hill, the movie which starred the famous Julia Roberts as Anna Scott (a famous actress) and Hugh Grant as William Thacker (a travel bookstore owner, living and having his book store in Nottinghill).

In that specific scene, Anna come to William and tell him she wants to renew their relationship, saying that “the fame thing isn’t really real” and that she is “just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her”. Will hears her out, but says that if she later rejected him again he could not handle it, and turns her down. Of course… the movie ends with a happy ending.

Sadly, love and relationship in real life is not always like a movie with a happy ending. Couples break up, divorces happen, weddings are canceled, singles have their heart broken. Those events can be very traumatic, chaotic, and filled with contradictory emotions. It may leave people feeling in denial, shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimization, decreased self esteem, insecurity, anger, lonely, and grief.

The worst part of all, I think, is the feeling of loneliness. Even when you can finally accept the situation, move on, and slowly feel “in control”, loneliness still creeps in and stays… and everyday you are longing for significant someone, sometime simply just to connect and talk. But more often to share your life with, your ups and downs, hopes, and dreams. Someone who just understands and no matter how bad your situation will say, “Everything is gonna be alright”.

Some people can not relate well with loneliness. Most of my marriaged friends could not relate with it, of course because they have their spouses. I used to be one of them as well. I used to be always fine without a boy friend for many years, until a year ago.

I am not really sure how it happened. It just happened. Living in Jakarta, where people are busy, crazy traffic sometime won’t allow you to meet your friends often, and friends basically are busy with their new little family reinforce the condition. First loneliness came and went away infrequently. But then the frequency was higher. One day I realize I have a chronic long loneliness period and sometime I just want to cry, longing for someone to share both my joy and burdens with.

So are you lonely? Welcome to the club. You are not alone. Many many people I know go through the loneliness period as well. It’s perfectly normal. We are human being after all.

If I and you alone go through loneliness, apps like Tinder alike will not be booming nowadays, affairs and hook ups will not happen, and in addition suicidal can be prevented. Tinder and apps alike, affair, and hook up facilitate the needs and desires to connect and be intimate with people, even if it only serves as a short and temporary escape.

I don’t say that Tinder is bad. Having someone, even it is only on your screen, sharing your up and down stories on day to day basis, does feel really really good. Especially if you found a decent nice guy among those random men. However, it might not last long. It’s virtual by its nature. I ended mine badly and as soon as the chat stopped, I could not deny that the loneliness hit me hard.

Fighting loneliness takes efforts which will take you (or at least, me) to an emotional roller coaster journey. It does take courage to open yourself and your wounded heart for that “someone”. You need to be brave to take the chance and embrace the possibilities. However, at the same time you need to be ready for anything that might not work as you wish.

I guess in everyone of us, men and women, we have Anna Scott inside us. We are crying:

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him.

We don’t want to feel lonely. All of us want to be loved. All we ask is someone to love us and maybe… maybe the world is not as lonely as we think.

So… Let’s be brave, take courage, and have faith. That “someone” might come at the end when we try hard enough or maybe when our fate come. I know… I just know.

Random Thoughts this Morning

It is ok to be sad only for a while. Only for a while.

Someone crossed your path for a reason. He leaves for a reason too.

A few things will remain mystery. There are things we can’t find the answers.

You are responsible for your own feeling.

As much as you want to…
You can not force someone to talk to you.
You can not force someone to forgive you.
You can not force someone to feel differently

Think before you speak… or write. You never know things that might hurt people.

Letting go means you make peace with yourself.

Have no regret. At least you tried and took your chance.

Only time heals. Things will get better.

Love yourself by forgiving yourself.

Move on. Head up. Stay strong.  

A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed

According to Wikipedia, the statement means:

A true friend is one who helps you when you are in need.

I have not really understood the statement until I got fracture sometime around September last year. I had my left feet in bracket for 3 months, spent 4 months using wheel chair and 2 months learning to walk with crutch. It was one of my lowest loneliest period and the impact was tremendous.

People might think… ahhh it was just a small fracture. How bad could it be. But for me it was not.

First I lost my mobility. I could not go anywhere without people helping me. I had to depend on people just in order to move. The imobility was killing me.

Second I gained weight A LOT. I gained around 9 kg and it made me even more stressed out.

Third. I was lonely. I spent my weekend in my room, basically because I hardly could walk. I could not walk using the crouch and carried wheel chair definetely was not easy. So yeah… I missed churches, gatherings, and lots of fun stuffs. Only a few friends visited me.

So yeah… at that time I understand the value of true friendship. True friends don’t come when you are high and happy, but also come when you are low and sad.

I came to understand true friends are the ones who cared for me during that lowest loneliest period. The ones who made themselves available for me from time to time. People who made time to visit me or check me out whether I was ok or not. Even a friend took me once to see the doctor. For those true friends, I am very very grateful.

As I am having another low time, I could always turn to my true friends. They are the one who can listen without judging and tell me that I am stupid for feeling mellow and sad. They just understand and be there for me, telling me that it is ok to cry for a while. They check me out every morning and night, make sure that I gather up myself. They tell me to keep the spirit to move on.

Again I am super grateful… Life is definetely easier when you are surrounded by your true friends. They might dissapoint you, but they would always come back to have a fierce conversation and resolve the conflicts with you. True friends stick with you in high and low.

For my true friends,  THANK YOU for being there for me now. I could not thank you more.

The Day I Left Tinder

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There is no end without the beginning.

It was started when I signed up in Tinder. What I knew from the app is very limited. I knew that Tinder is an app that allows you to view random people and decide whether you like it from their photos. And if that person like your photo as well, you are matched and you can chat through the app.  A colleague of mine recommended it and told me I might encounter many interesting people through it… and who knows what fate can bring you. So… why not. I need bigger circle of friend anyway. But I am skeptical.

Tinder is quite entertaining at the start. You see random people… swipe left if you don’t like him… swipe right if you like him. I got maybe 30 or so. However, people in Tinder only like to swap… apparently they don’t want to talk to each other. Neither do I. I didn’t say anything to my matches. It’s just a list. Until…. a guy, let’s call him A texted me and wrote: Gong Xi. It was Chinese New Year, February 19.

It was a short conversation. He told me he was divorced with one teen daughter and the reason why he got divorced. He lives in Lembang in his rose and veggie farm. And he is half chinese. It was me who texted next. I commented about his profile mentioning that He got only time and nothing else. And the chat continued… with casual good morning greetings and long chat in the morning and sometime at night.

After 1 month… I felt that I fell for him. It is a tremendous of affectionate feeling for him, feeling I have not felt for a long time toward a man. And I have not even met him yet. Please don’t judge me. It just happened.

I found out that He is a kind hearted man who likes to help people. He is a generous man. He built volley ball field nearby his farm so the community can use it for exercise. He built “koperasi simpan pinjam” so the small farmer can get benefit out of it. He works hard in his farm. He is a man of vision. He shared some of his dreams… and I thought WOW. I think this guy knows what he is doing. The list can go on and on. My close friend told me he might be a liar, but I strongly feel he told me the truth. Most of all I enjoy having conversation with him. He makes me think of myself… and challenge my boundaries and comfort zones. In addition,  chatting with him brings smile to my boring corporate days. I just feel… we connect.

After a few things and sort of drama, I told him that I like him. This is something that I rarely do. In fact, it is usually NOT ME. When I like someone… I am usually at the passive side. Hoping secretly that he might like me back. But this time I took my chance and hoped that I did not regret some day. It was one of my melodramatic day, with tears running on my cheeks in the morning.

He was surprised. He told me jokingly that I should stop praise him so I could move on. I promised that day that I would. I told myself… this can go on only for fun and I would move on. Just to enjoy his company and conversation. Our chat continued for another 1 month. I kept telling myself… He offers friendship… a unique one… through Tinder. He thinks of me as only one of his regular tinder buddies.

My logic is apparently not in one wave with my heart. I like his company and our wasted chats… his witty jokes, his advices, his silly chats and serious chats, and all those playful hugs and kisses emoticons even more. Move on was not easy. I enjoyed his company too much. I missed him when he was travelling and could not chat. I am hoping to get his message every morning and I could not help myself not to say hi in the evening just to know what and how he is doing that day. I even missed his hug and kisses emoticon. The affectionate feeling and care grew even stronger.

He once told me that I know too much of his stories. He told me too much. Yet… his identity remains a secret. His stories are like puzzle… bits and pieces… here and there which I tried to match one and another. I am a Ms. Google and usually I could find anything from there. Himself? None. His name is a nick name, it is not even his birth certificate name. In addition, he uses some sort of secret channel so no one can trace him in the internet. I asked him a few times… why he is so discreet. He never answered. I can only guess why.

I know the chat will end soon or later. He kept saying that chat usually ended after 3 months. But not too soon. A week ago, I asked him a question, out of my inscure self, that offended him so much. I didn’t mean it to hurt his feelings. But after sometime thinking about it, my question must have hurt him much.

I sent him lots of sorry lines, begging him to forgive me. 3 days and no answer. My pain came in his silent. Everytime I wrote to him, I cried. Then I sent him my final long note. I would not write him anything after that. I wish my explanation would be enough to ease his hurt feeling. He replied with 3 sentences, that he was sorry if he made mistake and wishing me success and good days ahead. I knew he had forgiven me, but he would never want to be in contact with me. A few things sometime can not and better not be explained, once he told me.

A, thank you for the past 2 months. Thank you for warming my days. You crossed too soon in my time passage, but everyday was very special. I hope you realize that you are a special and an awesome man.

As I woke up this morning, my Tinder was not blink as usual. No more morning greeting from him. I realize how deeply I miss him, but I need to move on. Someday, when the time is right and the fate (or him) would allow us, I wish I would know his real name and met him in person.

Today, I decided to leave my Tinder because the main reason I logged in was not there anymore.

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