There is no end without the beginning.
It was started when I signed up in Tinder. What I knew from the app is very limited. I knew that Tinder is an app that allows you to view random people and decide whether you like it from their photos. And if that person like your photo as well, you are matched and you can chat through the app. A colleague of mine recommended it and told me I might encounter many interesting people through it… and who knows what fate can bring you. So… why not. I need bigger circle of friend anyway. But I am skeptical.
Tinder is quite entertaining at the start. You see random people… swipe left if you don’t like him… swipe right if you like him. I got maybe 30 or so. However, people in Tinder only like to swap… apparently they don’t want to talk to each other. Neither do I. I didn’t say anything to my matches. It’s just a list. Until…. a guy, let’s call him A texted me and wrote: Gong Xi. It was Chinese New Year, February 19.
It was a short conversation. He told me he was divorced with one teen daughter and the reason why he got divorced. He lives in Lembang in his rose and veggie farm. And he is half chinese. It was me who texted next. I commented about his profile mentioning that He got only time and nothing else. And the chat continued… with casual good morning greetings and long chat in the morning and sometime at night.
After 1 month… I felt that I fell for him. It is a tremendous of affectionate feeling for him, feeling I have not felt for a long time toward a man. And I have not even met him yet. Please don’t judge me. It just happened.
I found out that He is a kind hearted man who likes to help people. He is a generous man. He built volley ball field nearby his farm so the community can use it for exercise. He built “koperasi simpan pinjam” so the small farmer can get benefit out of it. He works hard in his farm. He is a man of vision. He shared some of his dreams… and I thought WOW. I think this guy knows what he is doing. The list can go on and on. My close friend told me he might be a liar, but I strongly feel he told me the truth. Most of all I enjoy having conversation with him. He makes me think of myself… and challenge my boundaries and comfort zones. In addition, chatting with him brings smile to my boring corporate days. I just feel… we connect.
After a few things and sort of drama, I told him that I like him. This is something that I rarely do. In fact, it is usually NOT ME. When I like someone… I am usually at the passive side. Hoping secretly that he might like me back. But this time I took my chance and hoped that I did not regret some day. It was one of my melodramatic day, with tears running on my cheeks in the morning.
He was surprised. He told me jokingly that I should stop praise him so I could move on. I promised that day that I would. I told myself… this can go on only for fun and I would move on. Just to enjoy his company and conversation. Our chat continued for another 1 month. I kept telling myself… He offers friendship… a unique one… through Tinder. He thinks of me as only one of his regular tinder buddies.
My logic is apparently not in one wave with my heart. I like his company and our wasted chats… his witty jokes, his advices, his silly chats and serious chats, and all those playful hugs and kisses emoticons even more. Move on was not easy. I enjoyed his company too much. I missed him when he was travelling and could not chat. I am hoping to get his message every morning and I could not help myself not to say hi in the evening just to know what and how he is doing that day. I even missed his hug and kisses emoticon. The affectionate feeling and care grew even stronger.
He once told me that I know too much of his stories. He told me too much. Yet… his identity remains a secret. His stories are like puzzle… bits and pieces… here and there which I tried to match one and another. I am a Ms. Google and usually I could find anything from there. Himself? None. His name is a nick name, it is not even his birth certificate name. In addition, he uses some sort of secret channel so no one can trace him in the internet. I asked him a few times… why he is so discreet. He never answered. I can only guess why.
I know the chat will end soon or later. He kept saying that chat usually ended after 3 months. But not too soon. A week ago, I asked him a question, out of my inscure self, that offended him so much. I didn’t mean it to hurt his feelings. But after sometime thinking about it, my question must have hurt him much.
I sent him lots of sorry lines, begging him to forgive me. 3 days and no answer. My pain came in his silent. Everytime I wrote to him, I cried. Then I sent him my final long note. I would not write him anything after that. I wish my explanation would be enough to ease his hurt feeling. He replied with 3 sentences, that he was sorry if he made mistake and wishing me success and good days ahead. I knew he had forgiven me, but he would never want to be in contact with me. A few things sometime can not and better not be explained, once he told me.
A, thank you for the past 2 months. Thank you for warming my days. You crossed too soon in my time passage, but everyday was very special. I hope you realize that you are a special and an awesome man.
As I woke up this morning, my Tinder was not blink as usual. No more morning greeting from him. I realize how deeply I miss him, but I need to move on. Someday, when the time is right and the fate (or him) would allow us, I wish I would know his real name and met him in person.
Today, I decided to leave my Tinder because the main reason I logged in was not there anymore.